The MAGA Asset Part II
In other breaking news, I finally named my abs. It’s not that I have abs for the first time, but it is the first time I have named my abs. And I’ll never forget when Michael Paul Sorrentino lifted up his shirt and introduced women to The Situation. I immediately had a new mission in life, get abs, name abs, and get babes. Most people were repulsed by Mike’s marketing strategy, but I disagree. At the time, I said to myself, “I want to be that big of a douche.” Of course, I already got women with my douchiness, love handles, and man boobs, but I figured having abs wouldn’t hurt.
So I got abs, and I tried to name them, but I couldn’t quite find the right name. I say that like it was easy. It took me four years, but I finally figured out the right combination of intermittent fasting, diet, weight lifting, and cardio. My Halo 3 Xbox Live username was Brdilladakilla, so I thought about Abzilla, but Abzilla fits neither my personality nor the personality of my abs. I guess it wasn’t the time to name my abs. At the time, I was self-absorbed and self-idol worshipped with the thousands and thousands of ab selfies I took and posted on Facebook and Instagram.
During 2019, I thru-hiked the Appalachian Trail and lost my abs, and then 2020 happened I couldn’t get my abs back until now. Even though I worked out at Planned Fitness and ran, traveling the country in a Mini Cooper investigating politicians, corporations, and organizations made eating healthily near impossible, so it took me about 6 months to get my abs back after moving to Biloxi, Mississippi.
Then one day a month ago, Isabella Riley-Moody tweeted Team Mike! @ItsTheSituation, so I replied [Crying laughing emoji] He inspired me to step up my douche for a few years. I got abs and named them. It works well. My tweet got 1 like from the one and only @ItsTheSituation. I was smitten. I don’t know what starstruck me more saying “What’s up Bella?” to Isabella Riley at CPAC or Mike liking my Tweet. Hm…[Deep thought emoji] I’m going to have to quote Isabellas tweet Team Mike! @ItsTheSituation.
So what did I name my abs? Well, I’m a political scientist and counter propagandist from Chicago, so I was going to name my abs something I could wield politically. I am also a warrior for Christ, so I was going to name my abs something to glorify God. After all, my body is a temple according to 1 Corinthians 6. How do I use my abs to counter-propagandize the eugenic diet exterminating millions of Americans? How do I use my abs to stop Marxism? How do I use my abs to fight self-idol worship and spread the lifestyle of Christ? How do I use my abs to Make America Great Again? How do I use my abs to Make America Godly Again? How will the MAGA asset use his abs to Make Abs Godly again? I will name my abs The MAGA Asset.
Yes, I will use my abs in campaigns, but I’m not a politician. I’m a political scientist; people and politicians are my experiments. If I want to run around the DC Swamp shirtless wearing white Versace aviator showing off The MAGA Asset, then I’m going to shake off my sweat running past the squad of swamp witches yelling, “Watch out swamp witches. The MAGA Asset and his big white privilege coming through.” I’m just kidding. I would stop and ask questions with sweat pouring down my abs, and be like, “Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, it’s hot and sweaty here in the DC swamp…” The audience doesn’t need to know I’m shirtless; it’s called politicking.
The truth is the American diet is full of chemicals and death. They call them pesticides, because we are the pests they are exterminating. Our diet is full of death, because Democrats wield the science of death. Evolution is a science, but we are only taught the satanic sex and death science of evolution. We are not taught about the life science of evolution. We are pro-life, so are food is life, our medicine is life, and our literature is life. I wasn’t born with abs; they weren’t in my genes. I was fat, but the diet and lifestyle of Christ has the power to change our DNA. I lived a selfish lifestyle of death, but now I am filled with the Holy Spirit and full of life.
How often do you pray at the gym? Do you know how many reps make a good set? 6 reps? 8 reps? 12 reps? Try this, close your eyes and pray Matthew 6:9-13 at the gym, while you do a set. How many reps do you do? That’s the power of the Lord’s Prayer. See, I go to the gym to pray for strength, endurance, and disciple, so I pray for strength, endurance, and disciple at the gym. That’s what I am say, Make Abs Godly Again. #MakeAbsGodlyAgain
Currently, I am celibate, and I have been for quite a long time. The “I’m saving myself for Jesus” sounds gay to me, and Jesus said don’t be gay, but I am spiritually saving myself for my future bride after this war. And I am fully aware I may never have sex again, but abs aren’t about me and getting babes anymore. My body is temple from, of, for, and to God like my mind is a temple to, for, of, and from God. Why do you think they call the outside part of our skulls temples?
I don’t want Satan’s poison in my temple from, of, for, and to God. I do not see fat. I see sickness. I see Satan’s lies in the mind. I don’t see fat. I see sin, lots and lots of sin, sins against God, and sins against ourselves. God made us to have abs and glorify His creation; their fake science makes us fat, because their science is witchcraft. For the wages of sin is death, so the sins on our bellies pull us closer and closer to hell. #Romans6v23 #1Timothy4v8